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January 7, 2009
New Year, blah, blah, blah. Cyril Connolly once wrote, “Those whom the Gods would destroy, they first call promising.” Here are a few that might have it coming in the year to come.
The New York Yankees Money, money, money, money... money! The Pinstripers’ particularly recent tradition of massive contracts and the failure to have them pay off typically delights haters. This year, with C.C., A.J., Marky Mark and the rest of the funky bunch playing in a new stadium, the stakes are especially high. That means those haters will hate even harder, and the celebration will be even more ridiculous, win or lose. Plus, think of the sidebars... Will C.C. explode? Will A.J.’s pick-up truck have its gun rack ripped off by a bunch of furious locals? Will George Steinbrenner be alive this time next year? The New York Giants Stay tuned, this one’s right around the corner. It just goes to show you... one year you’re a rag-tag upstart Cinderella story, the next you’re the heavy Super Bowl favourite walking around with a giant target on your back. David Tyree’s sticky helmet is glued to the IR and Michael Strahan is sucking air through that big gap in his teeth. Osi Umenyiora isn’t going to be blowing up any offensive lines unless he straps dynamite to his chest and runs on the field suicide-bomber style. I like the Arizona Cardinals, simply because they have no business winning anything. I tend to think the less deserving someone or thing is of someone or thing, the more right they ultimately have to them/it. Or not, whatever. Michael Phelps and U.S. Olympic Teams What is Sports Illustrated going to do now that they can’t get their nationalistic fixes on an international stage? You know the editors are just praying an American wins the Rock, Paper, Scissors Championship. But seriously, what’s on the docket for 2009 that could possibly compare to 2008 in terms of giving the U.S. a reason to keep feeling good about itself. My money’s on Barack Obama challenging Robert Mugabe to a fierce one-on-one battle on the presidential court, finishing things off with Tim Hardaway killer cross-slash-Jimmy Dolan shake n’ bake a la The Air Up There. Suddenly there’s peace in Africa and the Middle East and the President starts working on his stick handling. Tiger Woods We all love Tiger. Even Phil Mickelson probably has a couple of his posters. So imagine our collective delight when it comes out that his surgically repaired knee has actually been rebuilt, not only to withstand the wear and tear of a PGA campaign but scope green grades and wind resistance. It seems like an unfair advantage at first, but when questioned the great champ simply smiles, shrugs his shoulders and says, ‘come on guys, it’s me!” Everybody thinks for a second and with a laugh, nods in agreement. Tiger wins the next 96 majors. MMA What the hell happened to Kimbo Slice? Oh, right. Well anyway, 2008 (in case you had your eyes gauged out in a random fire poker accident and were deafened by bad seats at a Slipknot show) was a record year for the blood sport and 2009 is likely to see even greater expansion from UFC and the like. But how much of these homoerotic beat downs can we stomach? Keep a close eye on the tipping point, like a submission hold it could come at any time. Other notables: The length of Rafael Nadal’s Capri pants, up or down? Will the Boston Celtics win again and more importantly, will Kevin Garnett get the Adidas slogan right this time? Can Usain Bolt run faster than a Cheetah if he trains with Ben Johnson? How long can Ralph Wilson possibly keep showing up to Bills games? Will the BCS finally force our collective heads to explode? Who will be the next person to fall in love with Sean Avery’s sloppy seconds? Actually, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a phone call to make.
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